Redefining Wonder Woman Series 6: I Am Friends With My Rapist

WARNING: Please note that this post is an account of an individual’s rape and might cause some distress.

A while ago a friend of mine told me how she was raped as a teenager. I must admit that at the time, I didn’t quite take it in until I read this post. I knew I wanted to share her story but when she sent me the first draft it took me about a month to read it. When I finally read it I was angry and upset. I was very angry and referred to her rapist as a word I would prefer not to repeat. I still cannot get over how she was able to overcome this and can still be friends with him. I told her that I always knew she was a nutter but this was a new level of madness. Her response was “even as a Christian, you don’t understand?” I was honest and said no I didn’t. This was a tough post for me but I learnt a lot.

She had a lot to share so for the first time I’m going to have a two-part post. This is not quite the usual inspiring story I tend share. It’s about pain, loss, hopelessness but ultimately about human triumph.

RWW:  I’m going to let her tell her story and then my next post will be her response to my questions.

I was seventeen years old and had been in a relationship with him for about six months… as is the case with young love it was a very intense relationship. ….we talked for at least two hours a day for every day of those six months. We didn’t see each other too much..maybe twice a month.

It  was one of the days we were together. His dad was in town and he wanted me to meet him. We went for dinner and then we went to his dad’s hotel. We went up to his room but he was out so we waited. It’s funny in retrospect it is glaringly obvious but as a naive teenager in love, I didn’t see it coming. There was no dad….we were in a room alone. I trusted him so I didn’t think anything of it. He was a little bit older and he drank. I didn’t like it but it had never really affected me. He had been drinking on this night and before I knew it, what was an intimate kiss became a struggle. He was strong and he was aroused. I tried to fight him off and beg him, to appeal to the kind man I knew. I screamed. I cried. I screamed….. it was pointless….no one could hear.

I quickly realised I was fighting a losing battle; God was my only hope now. I prayed, begging God to get me out of this situation.  “I’m a virgin”, I pleaded in the hope that this would stop him. He knew this anyway but I was clutching at straws. “Ah you are pure”, he half slurred; “you will like it don’t worry”. As I wept silently from the pain; both physical and emotional, I knew my dream of being a virgin on my wedding day was lost….without getting graphic. Suffice it to say that with no acknowledgement of me or my desires he had his way with me. It was a surreal experience, like I was out of my body watching myself.

He groaned, satisfied.

“Look you bled, so you were a Virgin – amazing! Lucky me” he smirked. “Why are you crying? Did you want to be a virgin forever? We should do it again.”

I was broken. In half an hour at the most I had lost my dream; I had prayed and God had not answered….maybe this was part of His plan, maybe he didn’t value my virginity like I did. My head was in a mess….what was the point? I’d lost my virginity…I might as well be sexually active …what was I saving now?

He sat across the room eating “aren’t you hungry? That made me hungry, I’m starving” he continued. “Stop crying! it’s not a big deal. Girls lose their virginity everyday, you are not meant to keep it you know”. He laughed “oh I forgot, you wanted to save it for your husband….maybe we should get married” he scoffed. I had never seen him so mean. I felt alone, stupid, hurt and very disappointed. Disappointed in him, disappointed in myself, disappointed in God. I couldn’t tell anyone. What would they say? I should have known better. I had willingly gone into a room with him alone, I had willingly kissed him..he was my boyfriend.

I decided not to tell anyone. I would carry on as usual and pretend it didn’t happen. And so I did. I put it down to the drink, I held on to what we had before and I remained in a relationship with him, and although we still didn’t see each other very often it was now a sexual relationship….and I struggled with that because I knew somewhere deep down that this was not the sort of relationship I wanted.

to be continued

If you have been affected by any of content in the post and would like to talk to someone about it, please contact 0808 802 9999 www.rapecrisis.org to find centres in the UK.

Contact Stand To End Rape (STER) +2348095967000 www.standtoendrape.org for help in Nigeria.

Happy to include other centres if you let me know by making a comment. Thank you.

Mid Week Kick: Pick Up The Phone

Today I thought about a friend and rather than letting it die with a thought as usual, I asked another friend for her number and called. I could have sent her a text but I chose to call. A lot more personal; just that much more thoughtful.

She was pleasantly surprised and appreciative. I’m glad I did it.

Who can you call today? Who’s day can you make brighter with a call?

Even one step better, a long overdue visit might be the way to do it.

Change Can Be Pleasant

I was at a wedding over the weekend and was looking forward to seeing some people I had not seen in a while. By the time I got to the ceremony there weren’t any spaces left close to friends so I sat next to a couple I didn’t know. Turned out the man was the groom’s line manager and we ended up talking about our sons’ obsessions with football, after school clubs, life and general things. It was really nice talking to them.

Still I was hoping that at the reception I would get to sit with some of my friends. As I entered the marquee, I suddenly realised there were no place settings. I looked round for familiar faces but couldn’t see any. I contemplated sitting at an empty table with the hope that friends would soon gather and we could regale ourselves with updates from when we were last together. However, it didn’t happen quite like I had hoped.

At the same time, a woman who I had served with at my previous church sat at the table I was thinking of sitting at. I thought well I know her and there were two spare seats next to me if any friends came by soon. So I sat down, particularly as the place was filling up rather quickly.

I got up to get a cocktail and I met two friends who asked if there were spaces at my table. I replied yes and pointed at the table and one of them commented, “you are sitting with people you don’t know?” And my puzzled response was “so?” They politely declined the proposition of sitting with strangers.

We all like the familiar. It’s comfortable and comforting. I don’t think of myself as a sociable person but perhaps having to make friends in a city with no friends or family has morphed me into a more sociable person.

I had an absolutely pleasant time talking to this lady for the best part of two hours or more. We talked about children, our childhood, what we were up to, the food (which was really nice), some future plans, my blog – we really talked. And it was none of that stilted conversation where you are thinking of what to say. It was just an absolutely lovely time. I really didn’t miss my friends at all. Truly amazing how you can know someone for so long and not really know them.

Change is good – particularly when it opens up opportunities like these.

Day 1 of Half Term

Today’s plan was to relax to start off with. My children didn’t wake up till 8.00am but then again they only got to bed about 11.00pm seeing as it’s half term.

So the chore for today was tidy your book cupboard.

This cupboard has history. Loads of books for children. Some have been loved, some unloved. It’s been kicked, bruised, neglected and sometimes ignored for a bit of technology namely the iPad or the Nintendo. The one constant with this cupboard is that it is often untidied.

Daddy passed it by over summer and put it back to mint condition. The children took one week to mess it up again. Grandma, passed it by and tried to help but shortly after that it was back to its messy condition. Mummy passed by and said heck no – I’m not going to be the one to tidy this up only for it to end up untidied again. So guess who had to do it?

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One can only hope that this poor cupboard with remain tidy but I’m not holding my breath.

Little Chef

My daughter has taken to writing a lot. Her latest sample is a recipe for ‘pretend’ soup.

    1. Onions
    2. Carrot
    3. Garlic
    4. Hot Water
    5. Tomato Purée
    6. Tomato
    7. Prawns
    8. Potato
    9. Banana

It’s not a bad recipe for a six year old and I could possibly make something out of it. However, not sure about the banana. I cannot imagine where she got that from.

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How I Found My “Why” and Why it’s Important to Find Yours

Inspiring story.

My Journey 2 Scratch

nietzsche_3Do you have a why? Why do you want to do what you do?  My why found me five years ago…

It was five years ago today, at the age of 24, I was sitting next to my mother as she lay on her deathbed dying of cancer and I watched as she took her last breath.  As I sat there, staring blankly at her now soulless body, my mind was flooded with so many thoughts and emotions.  Most importantly, at that moment, I truly realized just how short life can be and I now had a deep desire and a “why” to do something great with my life. 

She is why I want to go after my dreams.  She is why I want to inspire others to go after theirs and she is why I want to work to improve myself each and every day, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The…

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Alternative Stoptober: Day 24

We had ANOTHER coffee morning at my children’s school yesterday and I got in the queue for hot chocolate. 😦

My friend asked what my plan was from the 31st onwards. Was I going to give it up entirely or go back to the same old same old? Good question. It wasn’t my decision to give up coffee. I was roped into it. It just came along at the same time when I was still exploring giving it up in my mind and I thought why not.

It’s not quite like when I made a decision to drink only water; no juices or anything sweet. Just water. That was about the same time I lived without a TV for about eighteen months. Must have been my hippy phase. With this alternative Stoptober, I didn’t make a decision to change so it was a very good question. What do I intend to do after the 31st of October? I have to tell you the truth, I am going to drink a nice MUG of caffe latte. That’s what!

Seriously, human beings have an innate capacity to accomplish tremendous things. The fact that the life coaching industry is one of the fastest growing industry in the world is testament to this. Yet it’s ironic that all a coach does is assist in helping individuals see the possibilities – the individual still has to do the work. So there is no such thing as I CAN’T give up coffee. It’s I DON’T want to give it up or I’m NOT ready to give it up fully. When I am, I will. It would be interesting though to see the stats on the number of people who pay for coaching but don’t make any changes – but I digress.

The capacity to change what I don’t like about my life, lies primarily with me. The older and hopefully wiser one gets, you quit blaming others for your lack of accomplishment or success in certain areas. Where I can’t dig deep enough it’s wise to seek help, knowledge, understanding- but it’s all there within. Again I reiterate the words of John C Maxwell, “you can’t manage a decision you haven’t made“. When I find myself going round and round in circles, then I have to make peace with myself and accept I am not ready for change and quit moaning. Sometimes, we have to do that but the one thing I won’t allow myself to accept are the words I CAN’T. I may not be ready for change but when the time is right, I CAN.

Who knew coffee could have such a profound effect? 🙂